


Broken Bits

by Cosmic_Files



Category: The X-Files
Genre: Angst, Broken Heart, F/M, Gen, Hurt, Pain, Sad, Truth, drunk
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-05-19
Updated: 2017-10-10
Packaged: 2018-11-02 10:29:22
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 4,128
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10942644
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Cosmic_Files/pseuds/Cosmic_Files
Summary: I was sent a pairing and this is what I came up with. A HUGE thanks to my beta Puzzling Peace. Thanks girl!





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> I was sent a pairing and this is what I came up with. A HUGE thanks to my beta Puzzling Peace. Thanks girl!

Scully sat in the living room.  Everything was so still and quiet, she wasn’t sure if she was dead or alive.  She held a glass of wine as her face remained blank.  The sound of the heat clicking on was loud in her ears as she finally took a long, slow sip of her wine,  she felt the alcohol burn her stomach.  It had been nearly sixteen months since she felt this familiar burn, and she didn’t know how she felt about it.  Her eyes were as dry as her cheeks were gaunt.  The dull pang of hunger still gnawed at her stomach, but she just sipped more wine.  The darkness of her apartment enveloped her in a heavy hug as she drained the glass.

She didn’t watch as the wine level neared the bottom of the bottle.  Mulder would have told her to just finish the last drink from the large bottle.  Mulder…you son of a bitch.  Where are you?!  She felt the knot of emotions constrict her throat.  She blinked rapidly as she felt the weight of the empty crib in her room.  She needed something stronger than wine.  She stood, instantly feeling the room spin around her as she fell back against  her couch.  The crash of the empty wine bottle echoed loudly around her apartment, reverberating off her walls and echoing back to her.  

She pulled her knees into her chest as she tucked her face neatly into her knees.  Neat.  Everything has been so neat that she doesn’t know how to deal with the mess.  Sign this paper.  Sign that paper.  Less than thirty-six hours and the baby she protected is gone to safety.  Neat.  Clean.  Brush the dirt off and move on.  But Scully couldn’t.  Guilt and pain rippled through her body and she wanted to numb it.  She wanted this black hole to be out of her chest. She felt the spinning stop as she finally managed to stand.  Stumbling through her apartment, she made  it to the kitchen after colliding briefly with a chair or two .

She opened the cabinet doors, one by one.  She slammed each one of them shut as she screamed in frustration, “Where the fuck is my alcohol?!” She screamed at empty walls.  She grabbed a mug, tossing it over her shoulder; feeling satisfaction as the glass broke against the wall.  She turned, looking at large and small pieces scattered in a small area of her kitchen.

She didn’t realize her cheeks were wet as she turned, grabbing a handful of pristine round-white plates.  She felt insane as she threw one…two…three…four plates.  The glass broke into chunks, mirroring Scully’s feelings.  Through blurred vision, she turned from the larger pile of shattered pieces.  She found her hidden bottle of Bacardi rum. She twisted off the cap and took a generous swallow.  The burning sensation was stronger than the wine, and she felt her stomach churning as she slid to the floor, her bare feet splayed outwards in front of her.

Her body shook as her cries got stuck in her throat.  She didn’t know how to cry anymore.  Scully felt as though she didn’t deserve to cry. You did this to yourself.  You are the one that fell in love with a man that is obsessive and self-destructive.  You are the one that chose to try and have a child that you knew you couldn’t properly protect.  You. Do. Not. Deserve. To. Cry. Scully strangled her cries with the burn of alcohol.  The last sentence bounced around in her skull, hitting everything nook and cranny.  It made sure that she didn’t forget that.

Scully was deep into her head, not hearing the pounding knocks or her front door opening and closing.  At this point, she didn’t care.  In this moment, she did not want to exist.  She wanted to be gone, just like the way her child was.  She would never forget how heavy that pen was the moment she signed William away.  She blinked as her chin was tilted upwards.  It was almost as if magic existed as the image of Skinner swam into view.

“Scully!” He repeated himself, ignoring the mess around them as he took the nearly empty bottle of rum from her hand.  He set the empty bottle on the counter behind her tiny body, before helping her up.  Scully felt her legs shake underneath her as she leaned heavily into Skinner.

“What are you doing here Skinner?”  Scully hiccupped as she realized how heavy her tongue felt.  She couldn’t tell if she was dragging her feet or if she was walking properly.

Skinner helped her into her bed and gently tucked her in.  Scully felt confused as to why he even bothered to come here.  She was perfectly fine; as a matter of fact, she took the vacation that he suggested she take, “I am here to help you Scully,” Skinner finally responded in his even keeled voice.  He knew that she might not have believed it but it was the truth.

She watched him disappear for a few minutes as the room continued to spin around her.  She felt her eyes swivel in her head as she shifted her stare upwards.  The night William was conceived was in her room and it was a night that she would never forget.  She sometimes swore that if she was quiet enough, she could still hear their moans and feel his touch.  She would be able to taste his skin or feel his hands on her inner thighs, and his fingers in her.  The way their bodies molded together and they became one, if only for five minutes.

Scully groaned as she struggled to turn onto her stomach, away from the door as she heard Skinner’s padded steps return to her bedroom.  She heard the soft clink of the glass set on her bedside table along with a few pills clumsily placed next to whatever drink he chose.

“I am staying on the couch,” Skinner said in a voice of finality before walking out.

———————————————————————————————————–

Scully jumped awake, feeling her heart in her throat and her head pounding. The last thing that she remembered was her second glass of wine. Or was it her third?  She didn’t remember how she got to sleep, but felt grateful that there was water and aspirin waiting for her.  She popped the chalky pills into her dry mouth, before quickly gulping the water down.  She threw off her blanket before her head snapped towards her kitchen.  She heard movement, that shouldn’t be happening.

Ignoring her massive headache, she slowly pulled open her drawer, grabbing her gun.  She clicked the safety off, slowly walking towards her kitchen.  She felt her heart pounding against her ribcage as she focused on breathing as she walked closer towards the commotion.  She pressed her back into the wall, squeezing her eyes shut momentarily before whipping her gun around the corner, “Freeze!” She screamed.

She felt shock spread through her body, “Skinner?! What are you doing here?! I almost shot you!” Scully spat, feeling her jaw clenching tightly.

“I came to make sure you were okay,” Skinner responded evenly, throwing a glance at her over his shoulder.

Scully dropped into a chair and looked at him, “I am fine.” She sighed heavily as she rubbed her temple.

“You do not look fine to me,” Skinner responded as he set a coffee mug down in front of her.

“ **Despite what many think, I am completely capable of taking care of myself.** ” Scully articulated before blowing the steam away from her mug; taking a cautious sip.

“You are not taking care of yourself.  Do you remember what happened last night? Do not answer that when it’s blaringly obvious that you don’t.  I walked into your apartment last night seeing a mess.  You were sitting on your kitchen floor crying with broken glass all over your floor and you were, are, bare foot.  I know you are in pain.  I know that you miss Mulder.  I know that you are struggling but too fucking stubborn to reach out to anyone for help.  I mean…god damn it Scully.  I am not done.  Reyes and Doggett are worried about you.  I know you don’t have the same history with them that you have with Mulder, but that is not fair to them.  It is not fair to anyone that you sit there and say you are okay, when clearly you are not.  When was the last time you talked to your mom after you gave William away?  Clearly you gave me a key for a reason.  I am happy that I listened to my gut and came to check on you.” Skinner’s skin was flushed with anger as his fist kept clenching and unclenching as he stayed standing.  

“Get the hell out of my apartment and leave the key,” Scully spat.  She could feel the heat in her cheeks.  Logically, she knew that Skinner was right but she couldn’t face the truth yet.  She wasn’t ready to.  She wasn’t ready to admit how much she missed Mulder or how much she would give her life just to smell the talcum drifting off William’s skin one more time.

She watched Skinner snatch his suit jacket off the back of her chair.  She could feel the tension in the air.  She had never told her boss to leave in this manner before.  Sure, she had told him off once, but never had she ever done something so deliberately malicious towards a person that she cared for.  She watched the way he angrily put on his jacket but didn’t say anything.  She cast her eyes downwards as she heard Skinner inhale deeply.

“ **I’m trying, can’t you see? Isn’t that enough for you?** ” The pain in Skinner’s voice was evident.  She had never heard him sound so raw.  She felt her chest tightening, not taking her eyes off the kitchen table, “I don’t know what else you want me to do or say to you Scully.  But when you are ready to talk and ready to acknowledge how you feel, I will still be in my office.”  Skinner dropped her apartment key on her table with finality.

Scully jumped slightly as her front door slammed shut.  She didn’t know how to react to Skinner.  She knew that he was right.  She knew that he would always be there for her, but she didn’t know how to take that step towards help when she felt like she deserved all of this.  Her eyes swept across her kitchen floor, checking for broken glass.  She felt gratitude as she realized that Skinner had cleaned it all up.  She set her nearly full mug in her sink before she slunk back to her bedroom.  She felt her chest tightening as she pulled her blankets tightly around herself.

The fresh tears burned her eyes as she realized that everything Skinner said was true.  The room blurred as she felt the tears streaming down her cheeks.  She started breathing heavily as she desperately tried to pull oxygen into her lungs.  It felt like they had a mind of their own because she couldn’t get enough air into her body.  Her earth-shattering sobs resonated around her empty apartment loudly.  

The pain felt as though it was going to rip her body into two pieces.  

Scully didn’t know how long she had cried before she started to dry heave.  She looked at the angry red numbers on her clock, telling her it was nearly one in the afternoon.  Her arms felt heavy and dead as she reached for her phone.  The sound of the numbers she dialed hurt her head even more.  The ringing was nearly impossible.  She wiped her nose on her comforter as she hiccupped loudly.

“Mom? I need you.” 


	2. Glued Plates

Scully stayed in bed –  not just for a day but for three.  Her limbs felt dead, even though the words in her head screamed louder than words that escaped from behind her teeth.  Do not cry.  William is gone.  Mulder might be dead.  I told Skinner to get the fuck out of my apartment..  Scully tried to assuage her guilt by telling herself that she spoke out of anger.  That she didn’t mean it.  Instead, the knots in her stomach only grew tighter.  Scully pulled her blanket over her head as she sank further into her mattress, squeezing her eyes shut as she felt another wave of tears threatening to pour out from behind her eyelids.  Suddenly, she heard her mother’s quiet footfalls coming. **  
**

“Dana? There is someone on the phone for you.  He said his name was Frohike? Do you know who that is? “

Scully sat up, rubbing her eyes as she looked at her mom. Guilt pulled even tighter in her gut as she realized that her mother  looked smaller somehow..  She knew that her mom was tired.  Between checking on Scully every hour, and sleeping on a couch, she couldn’t be getting much sleep.  Despite being thankful that her mom drove to her apartment  as soon as she had called, and that she would bring her tea when she woke up crying – she was still wracked with guilt when she met her mother’s eyes and witnessed the unmistakable exhaustion there.

She nodded and tied the greasy tendrils of her hair into a haphazard bun before accepting the phone with a tight-lipped smile. “Scully,” She exhaled heavily as she leaned back into her pillows.  She stared at her ceiling, seeing everything and nothing at once.

“I am going to talk and you are going to listen to me.  Got it?” Frohike said, although his command was peppered with hesitance.

Scully felt her eyebrows shoot up as she sat up a little too fast.  Her head was swimming, evidence of how little she had eaten in the past few days, “You better have something good to say, Frohike, or I will hang up,” Scully snarled.  She felt a strong sense of agitation ignite in her that she hadn’t felt since Mulder had disappeared.

“Get your head out of your ass.  You are not the only one that is upset and hurting.  I know you miss Mulder.  We all do.  amn it ,Scully! We had him before you did! It just so happened that he fell in love with you.  But the last thing that he would want you to do is wither away.  Skinner told me what happened.  That’s why I called you.” Frohike paused, inhaling a long, shaky breath before continuing.

“When it comes to William,” he said gently, “You need to feel that pain instead of shoving it down.  I hope you have someone there helping you.  You’re never going to get better unless you feel.  I know I can be very…coarse sometimes, but I understand pain.  I understand that it needs to be felt or it will kill you.  I know you’ve heard that a lot lately, but will you take it from me, and just try to get out of bed and  tell someone what you need… Scully?”

Scully slowly opened her eyes, not realizing that how tightly she had been squeezing them shut.  She knew that Frohike reached out to her to offer her support and a metaphorical kick in the ass, but he had no idea what he was talking about. How could he?.  She swallowed the emotions that were sticking like glue in her throat before she spoke. “I know I need to feel the pain. I know that I need to believe that Mulder is okay.  Right now, in the moment, I want to grieve.  I know that I have a lot to make up with for Skinner, but right now, I need to just be alone.  I really appreciate the fact that you called me, Frohike, but I really just don’t want to talk to anyone.  Does that make sense? I’m just not ready.  When I am, I will talk to someone.  Okay?”  She attempted to soften her words a bit at the end. He’s only trying to help, she reminded herself.

She could hear his reluctance to end the conversation, but after the third good-bye, she hung up herself.  She simply couldn’t talk anymore, even if she wanted to. .  She pushed her hair out of her eyes and slid out of bed, grabbing fresh clothes on her way to the bathroom before she let the steam fog everything over.

Frohike’s words danced through her mind as the scalding water soaked into her skin, almost warming her bones. .  She knew that he was completely right.  The thing that shocked her most, she thought,  was that Skinner had spoken to the Gunmen about her  She knew  that he would  ask for their help  when it  came to Mulder, but they were his friends. But maybe they were hers, too… she didn’t know. She didn’t know anything anymore.   She wiped the steam off the mirror and stared at her reflection.  She took in her sunken eyes, her gaunt cheeks. Her eyes looked dead, she thought dully, watching as water dripped from her hair down her pale face.

She closed her eyes briefly before she finally dressed and walked into her living room.   Easing herself down onto the couch, Scully glanced at her mom, her mouth opening and closing as she struggled to find the right words.

“Sweetie…don’t,” Maggie responded softly before she took Scully’s hand into her own, gently rubbing her skin.

“I know that you’re struggling.  I know you’re in pain, and I wish… I wish I could make you understand that I would do anything in the world so you could have William back.  I don’t understand why you had to give him or up, or why Fox isn’t here to help you through this But Dana, you are not alone.  You don’t have to put up this front with me, like you do with your colleagues, pretending to constantly e strong.  I am your mom.  It’s my job to worry about you.   Please, Dana.  Talk to me.  Tell me what it is that I can do for you so that you don’t feel like you are alone.   Because you know what? You aren’t.  You will never be alone.” Maggie pressed a gentle  kiss against her daughter’s forehead.

A fresh onslaught of tears broke through Scully’s facade, her face crumpling as she sank further into the couch cushions. .  She didn’t try to fight against her mother’s arms, instead allowing the full weight of her slight frame to be pulled into the comforting embrace.  Sobs wracked her body as she convulsed against her mother’s shoulder.  She tried to speak, to apologize,  but the only sounds that escaped were gasps for air. Maggie rubbed her back soothingly, murmuring words of comfort and love.

Finally,  she pulled slowly back as Maggie cupped her face.  A small hiccup escaped from her before she whispered, “I miss William so much, Mom.  The moment he became someone else’s child, I felt…feel a strong sense of self hatred.  I know I did it for the right reason, but I…I just… I would give anything to smell him again.  I would give anything to see his smile and hear his laugh again.  I miss him so much.”  Scully breathed as her bottom lip quivered.

“Dana, this does not make you any less of a person.  If anything, this just shows how strong you are.  You did the most selfless thing, to help your child have a better life. I still don’t fully understand the why but I know that you do everything that you do with reason.  I wish sometimes that I could have the strength that you have.  Dana, you are going to feel pain –  and you need to allow yourself to feel it, in order to  ever be okay.” Maggie gently wiped away Scully’s tears as they came to a slow stop.

“If I did the most selfless thing, then why do I just want to die sometimes?” Scully whispered thickly, her eyes cast downwards.   

She felt her mom tilt her chin upwards, forcing her to meet her gaze.  She saw nothing but love and respect in her mom’s eyes.  No judgement. No hatred.  Just pure love.

“Because if it didn’t hurt, then that would mean that none of this matters to you,” Maggie said softly before she leaned forward and placed another gentle kiss on her forehead.  Scully found herself leaning into her mother  wrapping her arms around her waist to hug her tightly.  She tucked her face into the crook of her mom’s neck and breathed in the familiar floral scent of her perfume.   She felt her Maggie’s palm drawing  loving circles into her back, and for once, she let herself feel. Feel the pain… feel the weariness… feel the love.  

-

-

-

When Scully awoke an unknown number of hours later, there was a stiffness in her neck, but also the  warm heaviness of her favorite afghan over her body.  She reluctantly pushed the blanket away as she heard her mother’s footsteps in the kitchen

She stood and walked slowly towards the kitchen. “Hey, Mom…… really tired.  I’m just going to go to bed.  Can we grab breakfast in the morning?” Biting her lip, she looked at her foot and added quietly, “I should also go talk to Skinner later tomorrow.”

She swore she could feel her mother’s warmth even from twenty feet away.  “Absolutely, pumpkin.  While you take care of that, I’ll clean up a bit around here for you.”  

Scully smiled gratefully and hugged her  before walking back to her bedroom.  She realized that her sheets smelled like fresh flowers.  She had never felt more grateful to have her mom than she did in that moment.

——————————————————————————————————————————–

Scully perched her body on the edge of the leather couch, drumming her fingers on her jean clad thighs as she waited to speak to Skinner.  To say that she was nervous would be an understatement.  Her foot jiggled nervously back and forth  as she stared at the clock.  Tick.  Tick.  Tick.  She felt her heart in her throat when she saw the heavy wooden door swing open and he called her in, barely acknowledging her presence with his eyes.

She winced as she rose from the sofa.  She knew that she deserved that.  As soon as the door was closed behind her, she turned and looked at him, fidgeting with her hands, “Sir… I…. I am really sorry.” Scully said slowly.  

He paused, then nodded slowly “How are you, Scully?” He questioned as he finally made eye contact.  

Scully dragged her teeth over her bottom lip as she saw the hurt briefly pass through his eyes before he squared his shoulders and sat at his desk, folding his hands together.  Scully swallowed past the lump in her throat, “I… I… well… I’m a mess, sir.  I am a complete and total fucking mess.”

Scully was shocked by her own response and kept her eyes cast downwards as she remained standing.  She could hear the tick tick tick of the clock as nothing was said for what felt like a lifetime.  She wasn’t sure how much longer she could handle the thickness of the stilled room.   
  


“Scully, I know you’re a mess.  I know that you’re determined to stay strong and to pretend that you’re unbreakable, but you are going to kill yourself that way.  And I don’t want to find your dead body, dead because you’re too stubborn to ask for help .  Look at me, Scully.” Skinner said.  

Scully stiffened, allowing her pride to take over for a moment before she finally lifted her head.  “Yes sir?”

“At least tell me that you have some plates left.”  He said with a hint of a smile playing at his lips.

Scully felt the laughter rumble in her stomach before it erupted from her throat.  She doubled  over as she was seized with laughter.  She didn’t know why it was so funny, but it felt so good to laugh that she didn’t question it.  Wiping the tears from her eyes – happy tears, for the first time in ages – she realized Skinner had been laughing just as hard.  She slipped her hand into the front pocket of her jeans before pulling out the light brass key.

“You should have this back,” Scully said softly as she held her apartment key out to him.  

Skinner  studied her face for a moment before responding.  “I don’t want to find anymore broken plates and empty bottles.  I want you to try to reach out to someone next time.  Because trust me, you are way better than that. Okay?”

“Yes sir,” Sully whispered as she pressed the key into the palm of his hand. 


End file.
